Couples counseling or marriage counseling is a delicate thing. It's as though a couple brings you one of the last birds of a beautiful and endangered species--it's the most fragile bird in the world--and they gingerly set it on the love seat in your office. The bird isn’t even moving.
"Hey, this bird is hurt,” they tell the therapist. “It's been bleeding for a long time now, and lately it is starting to look like it’s not going to make it. We’re really scared because this bird has been with us a long time, and we’re not sure what life would be like without it. That's why we brought it to you. Can you fix it?"
"Well," the therapist says, "Let me take a look at it. Yup, those are some deep and nasty wounds all right. And some of them are quite infected. Mmm Mmm Mmm,” murmurs the therapist. "This one's not going to be easy. Are you sure you're up for it?"
"Hey, this bird is hurt,” they tell the therapist. “It's been bleeding for a long time now, and lately it is starting to look like it’s not going to make it. We’re really scared because this bird has been with us a long time, and we’re not sure what life would be like without it. That's why we brought it to you. Can you fix it?"
"Well," the therapist says, "Let me take a look at it. Yup, those are some deep and nasty wounds all right. And some of them are quite infected. Mmm Mmm Mmm,” murmurs the therapist. "This one's not going to be easy. Are you sure you're up for it?"
"Are we sure we're up for it? I thought you were going to heal it for us?"
"Well," the therapist tells the couple, "There's good news and bad news about healing this bird. You see, birds’ wounds are a bit like relationships, they heal themselves if they're treated correctly." If you really want to have a healthy bird again, bring your bird in next week and I’ll start showing you how to treat it. In the meantime, I’ll show you some things you can do to keep it from getting any worse until we meet again.”
"Well," the therapist tells the couple, "There's good news and bad news about healing this bird. You see, birds’ wounds are a bit like relationships, they heal themselves if they're treated correctly." If you really want to have a healthy bird again, bring your bird in next week and I’ll start showing you how to treat it. In the meantime, I’ll show you some things you can do to keep it from getting any worse until we meet again.”
The next time or two the couple bring their bird in they tell the therapist all the reasons why it’s not their fault they haven’t been able to care for their bird, and why it’s really their partner’s fault the bird got hurt in the first place. They learn together that all that blaming and excuse making isn’t healing their bird one bit, and the therapist tells them how natural it is for them to have a lot of fear about putting their whole selves into healing the bird.
“Why would we be afraid of that?” the couple asks.
The therapist explains, “It’s only when we put our whole selves into something that we risk true failure and face the possibility of real rejection. If you put your whole self into healing this bird and it still dies then you can’t deflect yourself from your feelings of rejection by telling yourself it only left you because of how you treated it—not because of who you are. It’s a tricky mind game we try with ourselves, but now that I’ve pointed it out to you you’ll be less likely to try to use it, and more likely to really face that fear of rejection so you can put your whole selves into healing this bird.”
Over the next several sessions the therapist engages the couple in the process of learning to properly care for their bird, and it begins to flourish. Sometimes the fear comes back and temporarily gets in the way of them taking consistent healing actions toward the bird, but with the therapist’s guidance they work through those fears and the couple gets back on track.
Couples with healed birds and the confidence to keep them healthy leave therapy offices looking very happy and peaceful.
