Don't let the disagreement turn ugly.
It is a actually a myth that all couples argue or that angry arguments are normal or healthy for a relationship. On the contrary; an argument-free relationship is quite healthy and very possible—it just may be very different from what you grew up knowing, so it may seem foreign. And arguments may be such a habit that you really don’t know where to start when it comes to reducing or eliminating them from your relationship. And maybe you’ve tried everything you know to stop the arguments and nothing has worked. Well, that’s the reason for this article. My colleagues and I have developed a five-step procedure for stopping arguing that almost always works,* and we thought you’d like to know about it.
The First Step: Believe it is Possible
If you’re still reading chances are you’ve already done the first step. The first step is to at least entertain the idea that it’s possible to have fewer (or even zero) arguments. It is possible. We, at the Marriage and Family Center have seen many couples stop their arguing pattern, and they’re all very glad for it. You may think you know how much energy you’re wasting and how much happiness and fun you’re missing because of all the arguments, but you probably don’t. An arguing relationship is a kind of jail sentence. An argument-free relationship is life-giving.
The Second Step: Believe You Are Enough
In our experience working with hundreds of couples, we have found that until you (that’s right, you reading this article right now) until you believe that you yourself can make a difference in the number and/or severity of arguments you have with your partner, you will have a tendency to subconsciously blame your partner for those continuing arguments and therefore give up too early—convinced that the steps below don’t work.
It’s True; You By Yourself Can Reduce or Stop the Arguments
Here’s how we know. First, we’ve seen plenty of people do it. Time and again we’ve had individuals come in for therapy whose partners refuse to join them. By helping them alter just their side of the argument, we’ve been able to help them single-handedly reduce or stop the arguments. Second, it’s just logical. It literally takes two people to argue. If you learn to let down your side of the argument (without giving in, shutting down, or walking away) then your partner can not keep arguing.
The Third Step: Don’t Let the Argument Seed Germinate
So I’m Supposed to Just Sit There and Let My Partner Badmouth Me?
No. If your partner crosses the line and becomes mean, we’ll show you how to deal with that in steps four and five. But if your partner is only expressing irritation or frustration, then yes. It is very mature to be able to just sit with someone who is upset and let them be upset. And when you do it without trying to defend yourself and without letting yourself get riled up, it helps them calm down.
Here’s what it might look like in an exchange between two made up people, Gene and Pat. Even though Gene has, in this imaginary example, become annoyed with Pat, notice what Pat does instead of fighting, giving in, shutting down, or walking away:
Gene: “The program starts at seven o’clock.”
Pat: “I know. I’m not quite ready—I’m running a little behind tonight.”
Gene: “Why are we always late to things. I hate being late.”
Pat: (Feeling attacked and defensive, Pat wants to make an excuse for being late, to put Gene down a notch, or otherwise respond with negativity, but not wanting to fight, Pat decides to let Gene be upset without help). “I know. It really bothers you to walk in to events late.”
Gene: “Yes it does. You know that about me. I also like to socialize a bit before the program.” (Annoyed) “Are you almost ready?”
Pat: “Yup. I just need about two or three minutes. Do you want to get me a glass of ice water? And then I’ll be just about ready?”
Gene: “Ok sure. Then I’m going to go out and start the car.”
Pat: “Good idea. Thanks. I really will be out in just a minute or two.”
Gene: “Yeah, Whatever (Goes to get the ice water).
Pat: (Again wants to pop off at Gene while Gene is in the next room getting the ice water. Pat wants to say something like, “You know, you’re usually on time, but last week you were late too”—or “You know, you’re not perfect yourself,” but again, not wanting to argue just lets it go. After a minute Pat goes out, takes a sip of the ice water, and goes out to the car glad to have avoided an argument.
What did Pat do upon noticing Gene’s annoyance? Go back and look at the dialogue. There was no excuse making, no blaming, and no negativity of any kind. Also Pat did not simply shut down, instead, Pat acknowledged Gene’s feelings about being late. By doing that, Pat stayed involved in the conversation without adding any fuel to the fire, and without that added fuel, there was no argument—just Gene venting.
So the third step is to develop a habit of, whenever your partner expresses negative emotions, simply staying engaged in the conversation by acknowledging the negative feelings of your partner without throwing in your own annoyance, blame, or excuses—responses you know will only make things worse. Just verbalize your agreement that your partner is annoyed and hear him/her out.
But Gene was Very Civil: What If My Partner Gets Mean or Attacks?
Well, that can certainly happen, and that’s covered by the next two steps. But first, do you agree that it is less likely to happen, and that a conversation like the above is much more likely to happen, if you are not arguing back? If you get very good at step three then you will need to use steps four and five much less frequently, so don’t underestimate the incredible power of step three. We have seen it change relationships before our eyes.
Step Four: Ask for a Pleasant Conversation
Okay, so you’ve avoided adding fuel to the fire, but your partner is very upset and is really getting personal and blaming with the attacks. Two or three times you’ve tried to just listen to your partner’s feelings, but your partner’s anger is growing and it is starting to become a tirade. If that should happen (and remember, it’s less likely to happen if you are withholding your own negativity) but if it happens, you can simply ask your partner to be nice. You may be surprised what a reasonable request for respectful communication can do to shorten or redirect your partner’s tirade.
I’ll demonstrate this step using a variation of the above dialogue between Pat and Gene. Notice that when Gene’s venting starts to become a tirade, that Pat makes a direct and respectful request for a more pleasant conversation:
Gene: “Why are we always late to things. I hate being late.”
Pat: “I know. It really bothers you to walk in to events late.”
Gene: “Yes it does. You know that about me. I also like to socialize a bit before the program. Are you almost ready?”
Pat: “Yup. I just need about two or three minutes. Do you want to get me a glass of ice water? And then I’ll be just about ready?”
Gene: “A glass of water?! Oh, you’re too much. You make us late and then I have to get you a glass of water? Why do you always have to be so irresponsible?”
Pat: (Pat wants to argue with that, but remembers to ask for more respectful communication instead). “Hey Gene?”
Gene: “What?”
Pat: “I get that you’re upset, but can we please speak respectfully to each other?”
Gene: “Sure, Babe. Whatever.”
Pat: “Thanks sweetie. If you want to go out and start the car I’ll be right out.”
Notice that Pat did not say, “Please don’t call me names.” That may have started an argument about whether Gene did or did not call Pat names or whether or not it was justified. Instead Pat simply asked if they could please speak respectfully to one another. That request is so reasonable it is hard for people to disagree with, and in the example above, may have made the difference between a nice night out and a ruined evening.
Step Five: Set and Defend a Healthy Boundary
But let’s assume you have gotten very good at not adding any fuel to the fire, (either by adding your own negativity or by leaving or shutting down) and that you have gotten very good at asking for respectful communication, but your partner continues to blame you, criticize you, call you names, threaten you, or otherwise tries to purposely make you feel bad. What then? Then it’s time to set a healthy boundary. A healthy boundary means that you do not allow yourself to be treated that way for another minute.
If you have tried and failed to disallow his/her mistreatment of you then you will most likely need to get help from a trained clinician for this step. It usually takes at least three sessions, but can take as many as 10 to 12 depending on how many complicating factors are present. The actions required to help your partner accept your boundary are not easy, and they can feel very unsafe. Without the proper support it can seem too threatening to successfully put your foot down.
But it is very possible. We have watched countless partners step completely out of the victim role and save their relationship. We have also seen a few partners who, sadly enough were not willing to continue in a relationship with a partner who refused to be abused. It is tragic when this happens, and fortunately it is not often, but when it does happen then clearly the abusive partner is not ready to be in a relationship with anyone.
May your steps one through four change your life, and may you never need step five.
*These steps may not work if one or both partners has a problem with drugs (including alcohol), serious mental illness, brain damage, or another organically-caused mood or behavior problem. If you or your partner lacks empathy or does not have respect for the rights of others then these steps may not work. The support and coaching of a trained mental health professional can improve the chances of success in using these steps. You are the expert in your relationship—don’t do things you think will hurt you, your partner, or your relationship without first talking with a trained mental health professional. Relationships that are changing for the better sometimes seem worse for a while. Attempting to improve a strained relationship can further stress it. Sadly some partners choose to end relationships rather than allow them to improve.
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